I shouldn't have ventured there

From the Return of the King:

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.

parallel lines

if only i didn't have to reopen old wounds.

每一夜被心痛穿越
思念永没有终点
早习惯了孤独相随
我微笑面对
相信我我选择等待
再多苦痛也不闪躲
只有你的温柔能解救
无边的冷漠

we are two parallel lines, you and i. and we belong to two different worlds. you are destined for greatness, and my existence in your world is defined by someone else.

It seems so long ago that I left Singapore for the land of meatballs. I left a mess behind, hoping that they wouldn't follow me to Sweden. But what I found here was a more entangled web of lies and deceit that I wove.

I never told anyone the truth. Not everything. I told people bits that I wanted them to hear, but not the full story. I guess as we grow up, things get more complicated, and we yearn to go back to the times when things were simple. I wish I could go back to the days when I could sleep at night, and not huddle up in fear that I would dream of things that I didn't want to see, even in my sleep.

I think I have alot of things I regret, and I have alot of things I wish I had done differently.

For now, I wish I didn't have to lie to the people I love. I'm afraid to tell you the truth because I'm afraid that things will never be the same again, and I am afraid that I would hurt you.

I'm so sorry. But I can't continue living like this, because its killing me inside slowly. I can only take baby steps to the truth. And I never meant for it to be like this.

Trust me. I wish I could run away from everything and start everything on a clean slate. It feels like I'm living a double life, and I don't know who I am anymore. The more I try to escape, the more my lies come back to haunt me. And I don't want stay this way. So I choose the painful way.

It's only going to get worse

Yesterday I did a very stupid thing. I washed my coat and forgot to check my pockets. I'm sure you all know where this is going. I got a very clean phone back from the wash, but sadly it wasn't working anymore.

So I went to get one 'cheap' phone today. It costs me 999 Kr, and another 250 Kr to unlock the service provider lock so I can use it back home.

And today, I had a nosebleed, and food poisoning. I spent my entire day in the toilet trying to puke and get the horrible food out of my system.

Tomorrow, I have an 8am lesson. And its 2am now. I'm so lucky.

Youtube is my best friend

Because the sun sets at 2.30 and it gets dark at 3, I have a tendency to not go out of the house after 3, unless I have class or have to go to the ICA (supermarket). So, in the meantime, I have been watching alot of TV. In fact, I am the female version of Josh here, who sits on the couch all day long and watches MTV. This is due to the fact that I know the daily TV schedule almost by heart - 4.30 Las Vegas, 6.10 Judging Amy, 8-9 The Simpsons, 12.05 Sex and the City, 3am Buffy Uncut version, 4am She Spies and the list goes on.

Anyway, I've been watching Survivor Cook Islands, KO One, Hana Kimi and the last few episodes of Goong on Youtube too. All this while not studying for my Swedish listening exam tomorrow. Oh no. But at least I read some Swedish subtitles when all the said shows are playing on TV. And Christmas is coming, am so loving it!